Physical Intimacy Ordained of God

My daughter and I recently had a discussion on intimacy. She brought up how she was taught the importance of chastity, and understands the importance of sexual purity. However, she felt unsure and unprepared for the blessings of physical intimacy in a married union. As a parent, I feel I could have emphasized the purpose of physical intimacy rather than focusing on the don’ts,“ Do not have any sexual relations before marriage.” This is important for our youth to know and follow, but I feel I missed the opportunity to share the blessings of intimacy in the Lord’s plan.

Focusing on God’s purpose for physical intimacy would have invited the spirit to testify to my daughter’s personally of the sacred powers of procreation.

If I have an opportunity to teach my daughter’s more about Physical Intimacy, here are some principles I would teach:

Physical Intimacy Ordained of God

Our world teaches to indulge in lust. It is essential to know we are experiencing a “natural man” journey.

“Behold Satan hath come among the children of men, and tempteth them to worship him; and men have become carnal, sensual, and devilish, and are shut out from the presence of God.” (Moses 6:49)

We experience feelings and urges, yet we must learn self-control and discipline. Satan would like us to misuse our sacred powers of procreation therefore; we need to comprehend the righteous purpose of physical intimacy.

“Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”

- President Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 311

Physical intimacy is a to give yourself whole-heartedly to your spouse. It allows trust and love to flourish and strengthen the bonds of husband and wife. The world removes the sacredness of physical intimacy, and focuses on physical gratification.

The Lord has asked that husband and wife become one. Physical intimacy is not only physical it is a spiritual act as well.

“I would speak of something that is most sacred. When we were created, Father in Heaven put in our body the capacity to stir powerful emotions. Within the covenant of marriage, when properly used in ways acceptable to both and to the Lord, those emotions open the doors for children to come to earth. Such sacred expressions of love are an essential part of the covenant of marriage. Within marriage, however, the stimulations of those emotions can either be used as an end unto itself or to allow a couple to draw close in oneness through the beautiful, appropriate expression of these feelings between husband and wife. There are times, brethren, when you need to restrain you feelings. There are times when you need to allow their full expression. Let the Lord guide you in ways that will enrich your marriage.”

-Richard G. Scott, “The Sanctity of Womanhood,” Ensign, May 2000, 37; emphasis added.

Each of us is a son or daughter of God, and we need to treat each other with love and respect. It takes time to learn to love, and trust one another. Patience is needed for love to develop.

“Both husbands and wives have physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual need associated with this sacred act. They will be able to complement each other in the marriage relationship if they give tender, considerate attention to these needs of their partner. Each should seek to fulfill the other’s needs rather than to use this highly significant relationship merely to satisfy his or her own passion. Couples will discover differences in the needs or desires each partner has for the relationship, but when each strives to satisfy the needs of the other these differences need not present a serious problem. Remember, this intimate relationship between husband and wife was established to bring joy to them. An effort to reach this righteous objective will enable married couples to use their complementary natures to bring joy to this union.” A Parent’s Guide, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

It is essential to remember that our purpose should be to bring joy to our marriage. Consideration for each other should always be a priority. Developing a joyful union requires honest and thoughtful communication.

“Physical intimacy between husband and wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife.” https://www.lds.org/youth/for-the-strength-of-youth/sexual-purity?lang=eng

Choice & Charity Strengthening Marriage

This semester I had the privilege of reading and studying, "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage", by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD and "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work', by John M. Gottman, PhD. I learned many principles that touched my heart and gave me hope in myself, and a desire to be a better spouse for my husband. A couple of principles impressed me that I do not want to forget.

1. What is the most important thing you learned from Gottman's book? 

The most important thing I learned from Gottman’s book is that, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance…By simple reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities-even as you grapple with each other’s flaws-you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are the antidotes for contempt.” (The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, page 63,65)

Gottman acknowledges a problem in marriage; which is contempt, and offers the solution; fondness and admiration. Looking for the positive qualities in your spouse during both peaceful, and challenging times build a healthy marriage. Adopting this practice is an easy way to build upon your marriage relationship strengthening bonds of love and friendship.

2. What is the most important thing you learned from Goddard's book?

What I learned from Gottman accents what I learned from Goddard’s book. The most impressive principle I learned was:

The keys to surviving and enjoying marriage are found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ…We will only succeed at marriage as we use eternal gospel principles to become more of what God has invited us to become…Those truly succeeding at marriage are those who are applying the Gospel of Jesus Christ in their lives.” (Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, page 8)

The best thing I can do for my husband is to live the gospel and keep my covenants. Striving each day to live as the Saviour has invited me to, applying repentance, faith and a contrite heart will allow me to live by the spirit. I offer my husband the best me when I am a disciple of Christ. Through Christ, an eternal marriage is built.

Choice & Charity Strengthening Marriage

“But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.” Moroni 7:47

As we choose to be kind, and turn away wrath in our heart we are choosing to be more charitable. “The natural man is likely to find that resentment and vindictiveness come more easily than charity. More than we realize, those negative reactions are a choice- a choice to see in a human, judgmental way. But we can also choose to see in a heavenly and loving way. That choice makes all the difference. Charity can be the lens through which we see each other.” (Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, page 108)

We choose how we act and react. Acting or reacting with love is choosing charity, choosing to follow the Savior faithfully.

I can improve how I react or act by taking time to respond rather than choosing to respond defensively. I’m not sure if I have thoughtfully considered my choices. I have overlooked the power of agency when an opportunity to react confronts me. This is an opportunity for me to prayerfully consider how I can improve to allow the “pure love of Christ” into my day-to-day life.

Living a charitable life takes practice. Each day we can practice charity by loving and serving our spouse.

“Practicing charity is something we as women of God do every day. In small gestures of service, in pondering and in seeking knowledge, and in our sincere and often private expressions of faith, we live in celestial ways. Practicing charity means that we are trying to live like the Savior as we seek to act in caring ways. Even though we are not perfect, our service mirrors eternity, and our efforts manifest a deep devotion.”

https://history.lds.org/exhibit/practicing-charity?lang=eng

Choose charity by administering to your spouse as the Savior, Jesus Christ would. Choose to practice reacting and acting with charity. Persistently choose charity over the natural man’s reaction to judge, bark back, criticize, or complain about your companion.

Our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy in our marriage. He has given us the tools, the Gospel of Jesus Christ, to succeed. Applying these teachings, and diligently working on our relationship will invite charity in our hearts to overcome the difficulties we each must face.

“Rather than being judgmental and critical of each other, may we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travelers in this journey through life.”

–      President Thomas S. Monson

https://www.lds.org/liahona/2010/11/charity-never-faileth?lang=eng

Resolving Marital Conflicts

 

“If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being.” (President Faust, “The Healing Power of Forgiveness”)

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/the-healing-power-of-forgiveness?lang=eng

Marriage is a perfect union to grow, learn and be strengthened by a loving partner in a safe, secure environment. Although, there may be times when growing individually or as a couple proves to be difficult, and emotional scars need to be healed. This unfortunately is part of the unifying process. I acknowledge that there are couples that coast through marriage with little disagreements or disruptions, although I believe this to be the exception.  Gottman says, “every marriage is a union between two individuals who bring to it their own opinions, personality quirks, and values. So it’s no wonder that even in very happy marriages the husband and wife must cope with a profusion of marital issues.” (Gottman, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, pg 128)

It is valuable to note that our marital conflicts may be categorized into two categories: resolved or perpetual, “which means they will be a part of your lives forever, in some form or another.” (Gottman, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, pg 128)

Gottman observed the couples that cope well with perpetual issues “have learned to keep it in its place and to have a sense of humor about it.” This observation shows that couples can accept differences and cope with them. Every marriage will have conflict since no one is perfect. Part of coping is also forgiving. When a car runs out of fuel it simply will not move. Forgiveness is the fuel that allows a marriage to bloom and progress. As couples forgive each other they move forward leaving behind the mistakes of the past.

President Faust says, “Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”

“Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours. The folly of rehashing long-past hurts does not bring happiness.

Some hold grudges for a lifetime, unaware that courageously forgiving those who have wronged us is wholesome and therapeutic.”

When I forgive quickly, I feel more at peace freeing myself from the haunting feeling of bitterness and resentment. The healing process starts and both husband and wife can feel love and acceptance again. Being a forgiving person is showing faith in the Savior, Jesus Christ. Forgiving is accepting the Atonement. Forgiving is obeying Christ admonition “to forgive all men.” D&C 64:10. Forgiving is showing charity.

“As Shakespeare wrote in The Merchant of Venice, mercy is “twice blessed. It blesses him that gives and him that takes.” (Gottman, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, pg 155)

The enemy within - Pride

  "Love is not a happy accident; It is a choice.” – Goddard

I love the word choice in this quote. Day by day, hour by our and minute-by-minute we make choices. Choosing happiness in marriage is no different.  When we get caught up in ourselves, our own desires and wills this can upset and bring contention in a relationship.
If we do not choose love, humility and repentance to bring harmony in marriage, then we choose pride.

President Benson says, “ Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance.” (Beware of Pride May 1989)
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng&query=ezra+taft+benson

What is pride? And does it destroy our marriages?

Pride is “enmity- enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” (Beware of Pride May 1989)

Each of us knows when we feel prideful, yet it is difficult to get out of the pride rut or is it?
The key is to follow the Savior’s admonition, and remember,

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” Mosiah 3:19

Goddard says, “The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others.” (Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage page 62)

We natural have a tendency to look outward and react to others behavior rather than looking inward. It isn’t easy to quietly reflect on ones own weakness and faults, but we must in order to allow humility to overpower pride.

“We must set aside our provincial view of the world (and of our spouses), and be open to our partner’s perspective. We must invite truth, the heavenly perspective.” (Goddard, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage page 64)

Removing a prideful attitude may be hard, but we do not have to do it alone. When contentious attitudes are felt we can choose to go to our Heavenly Father in prayer and ask for help.

“Rather than depend on our own limited abilities, we can have the humility to go to God for help. And He is mighty to save – both souls and marriages. This is what the Book of Mormon calls faith unto repentance (Alma 34:14-17).

 When we trust God enough to turn our lives over to Him, He does miracles.” (Goddard, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage page 67)

A humble, repentant heart is the path to strengthen our marriage and build faith in the Atonement. I have felt this power in my own life and my only regret is not humbling myself earlier. It takes courage to listen to another’s opinion, and forgive quickly. If we are to build an eternal marriage here on earth the only way is to submit our will, and follow the Savior’s counsel.

“A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers.” (Goddard, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage page 76)

Using the Atonement of Christ in Your Marriage

"Because they received the Atonement of Christ, Adam and Eve were able to learn from their experience without being condemned by it."

- Bruce C. Hafen, Covenant Hearts

“For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.”(John 3:17) If therefore, God allows us to learn from our experience without condemning us for it, how much more should we be willing to let our companions learn from their experience without condemning them for it.” Bruce C. Hafen, Covenant Hearts, p. 65-74

By accepting and receiving the enabling power of the Atonement, we are able to learn from our experiences, mistakes and weaknesses. Our experience on earth is an opportunity for us all to become like our Heavenly Father without condemnation. The dictionary defines condemn:

1.  Express complete disapproval of, typically in public; censure.
2. Sentence (someone) to a particular punishment, especially death.

Learning this truth reminds me I am not perfect and neither is my husband. Therefore, in marriage, we need to allow for learning and growth without condemning our companion. We should follow the example of our first parents, Adam and Eve, and embracing the gift of the Atonement. Repentance and humility are necessary to access the enabling strength, and healing that come from using the Atonement in our lives.

Reflecting on the truths of Bruce C. Hafen, Covenant Hearts, I thought how much I need forgiveness, and patience from my companion, however, how quick am I to forgive or be patient? I feel a need to view my marriage and family as a safe, loving, learning environment where we can work together to become our best selves. I feel a greater appreciation for the Atonement, and understand how my Savior knows my personal struggles because he felt my pain. I can trust the Lord to guide me in strengthening my marriage. It is necessary for husband and wife to apply the same mercy, kindness and forgiveness in their marriage as the Savior offers each of us. I feel a stronger desire to work with my husband in creating a partnership rather than compete with each other or be focused on who is right.

This principle is closely linked to Gottman’s Principle Four, “Let Your Partner Influence You”. Last year I interviewed a couple I knew well. They’ve been married over fifty years. I asked some questions regarding marriage, and I remember one comment vividly. Sister “W” said she enjoyed learning from her husband. Frequently, they had different opinions, but she valued this difference. She says male and female offer different, and insightful perspectives we can learn from. After this comment, I made it a goal to listen to my husband’s opinion even when it contrasts with my own. This is another way we can let our partners influence us.

President Thomas S. Monson said: “To find real happiness, we must seek for it in a focus outside ourselves. No one has learned the meaning of living until he has surrendered his ego to the service of his fellow man. Service to others is akin to duty—the fulfillment of which brings true joy.”
“Celestial Marriage” 2008, Elder Russell M. Nelson

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/celestial-marriage?lang=eng

Building fondness and admiration in your marriage

Today I heard a colleague ask another colleague, “Do you drink?” and her reply was “Yes, marriage is hard.”
Now, to be fair, marriage is challenging, however,  what does the world think about marriage? Is it the difficulty people focus on? Marriage can be a beautiful union when a couple come together with common goals, and embrace each others faults, weaknesses for the greater goodness of their relationship.

A wise friend gave counsel on marriage when she said, look at your companion through an out of focus lens. This way we do not focus on a specific fault or weakness.

Many have difficulty in their marriage; however, couples can get caught up in the negative. Gottman’s “Antidote to Contempt” is definitely sure to assist with strengthening your marriage or repairing it. The antidote is simple; “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.” Fondness and admiration is imperative to maintain, and nourish your friendship with each other. (Gottman, pg. 65)

“If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree. So fondness and admiration prevent the couple from being trounced by the four horsemen.” (Gottman, pg. 65)


*The four horsemen being: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

How often do you reflect on the positive traits your companion offers or the fond times of the past?

During this exercise, I remembered a moment when my husband and I were first dating. This one memory reminds me, my husband is the kindest most thoughtful person.
I was on a training course for six weeks in Newton, Iowa. Newton was 1492 miles away from home, and needless to say I was homesick. The training was difficult. I was a single mom missing my children in the middle of a strange place. Grant and I had been dating for a year, and we just started talking about marriage. It was hard to leave my happy life. One day after a long day of training a box arrived. I opened the box, and inside was one large envelope for me to open for every day I was going to be away. Inside each envelope was a small surprise, like a pair of socks, and a kind note. This loving gesture was overwhelming. I knew he loved me, and I didn’t feel alone. It was one of the nicest things ever done for me. It’s been too long since I have reflected on this fond memory. Remembering this event, I feel loved, respected, and secure. I agree with Gottman, we should admire the goodness in each other with fondness, and respect.

We would be wise to remember the lesson taught in the Mormon message “Looking through Windows”

 

All the woman does is criticize her neighbor’s filthiness, and lack of making any effort to clean. One day the woman’s husband cleaned their window, and when the woman enters the room she is impressed, the neighbor finally cleaned up! It turns out the dirt was on the woman’s window all along.
 https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2012-01-004-looking-through-windows?lang=eng

If we look inward to our own weaknesses, repent, and humbly seek the Lord, He will show us ways we can improve, and assist us in seeing the good in our companion.
Changing our behaviors can be discouraging if we find ourselves reacting in the same negative way, but we can use our faith in Christ to become the companion He would have us be. Goddard says, “We ask God to show us how we can respond more as He would have us. We can mentally rehearse the new reaction. Most of us need to rehearse it many times to be ready to act in different ways.” (Goddard, 2007)

This is a message of hope. No matter what our challenge is we can ask for help, and we can use the Atonement to enable us to improve.
“Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good. Righteous love is the foundation of a successful marriage.” Elder Richard G. Scott, The Eternal Blessings of Marriage

 https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-eternal-blessings-of-marriage?lang=eng

Creating a Strong Marriage takes Work

“ If we are to have a strong marriage, we must put off the natural man and learn better ways.” (Goddard, Wallace H. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2007.)

I have often wondered how to build a strong marriage if you did not have an example to follow. Many of us experienced childhood without the ideal example of two parents working together in harmony, and building upon an eternal marriage

The Lord gives us patterns to follow to become a loving spouse and parent. Goddard, the author of Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, suggests some behaviors we learned as a child may influence our marriage. Some of these behaviors are:

·      Selfishness

·      Defensiveness

·      Faultfinding

·      Sarcasm

·      Intimidation

·      Arguing persuasively

·      Pride

No one would like to admit they behave in this manner, and not everyone learns these behaviors in the home. These behaviors are part of the “natural man”.

One of my favorite scriptures is Mosiah 3:19,

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”

I never thought to replace the word “man” with “spouse” or my own name for that matter. This scripture teaches us how to become the best husband or wife we can be, and it also reminds our companions are not perfect either. This is important to remember, so we may work together, and become new creatures in Christ. This will allow the Holy Ghost to influence our hearts, and through the Atonement we will be transformed to become like Christ.

“The Gospel of Jesus Christ-that great plan of happiness-provides the solutions for our humanness. Having suffered the bitter fruits of badness, it invites us to prize the good fruits of gospel-anchored relationships (See Moses 6:55).” (Goddard, Wallace H. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2007. Pg. 5)

I have experienced happiness in marriage, and it is the gospel of Jesus Christ that makes this possible. I have a wonderful husband. We work together as a team. He serves the Lord and in our home with a kind, patient spirit. We love each other and still everything that is good about our relationship would still not be enough to keep a healthy marriage without the gospel. I agree with Goddard when he says,

“I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person-to be born again-to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways.” (Goddard, Wallace H. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2007. Pg 5.)

All the things we are asked to do daily to put off the natural man such as; pray, read scriptures, serve, repent and keep the commandments assures us the companionship of the Holy Ghost. Each day we become better because we are using the Holy Ghost’s influence. This allows us to act and react in loving ways to our spouse and family.

“We will only succeed at marriage as we use eternal gospel principles to become more of what God has invited us to become. Marriage is God’s graduate school for advanced training in Christian character. Those truly succeeding at marriage are those who are applying the Gospel of Jesus Christ in their lives.” (Goddard, Wallace H. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2007. Pg 8.)

Marriage is ordained of God, and God did not expect us to succeed in marriage without help. He loves us, and knows of each of the challenges we face. Goddard says, “…understanding doctrine softens our hearts and leads to Christ-like behavior, which culminates in happy marriages.” (Goddard, Wallace H. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2007. Pg 8.)

I know praying, reading scriptures, repenting, serving and keeping the commandments humbles me, and my heart is open to the spirit. The formula for me to be a good wife is to keep my covenants, and follow what the prophets have asked us to do. Through Christ, I can become a better companion for my husband, and this is what I want. We must never give up, but persevere through the challenges.

Elder Whirthlin says, “perseverance means to continue in a given course until we have reached a goal or objective, regardless of obstacles, opposition, and other counterinfluences…the ultimate example of perseverance is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who has and will overcome every obstacle in doing the will of our Heavenly Father.” https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1987/10/never-give-up?lang=eng

Marriage is hard work, and as we persevere we will experience the blessings of marriage. Elder Scott says, “Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good. Righteous love is the foundation of a successful marriage.” https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-eternal-blessings-of-marriage?lang=eng

As we follow the counsel in Mosiah 3:19, we will enrich our marriage, and become more Christlike.