Now, to be fair, marriage is challenging, however, what does the world think about marriage? Is it the difficulty people focus on? Marriage can be a beautiful union when a couple come together with common goals, and embrace each others faults, weaknesses for the greater goodness of their relationship.
A wise friend gave counsel on marriage when she said, look at your companion through an out of focus lens. This way we do not focus on a specific fault or weakness.
Many
have difficulty in their marriage; however, couples can get caught up
in the negative. Gottman’s “Antidote to Contempt” is
definitely sure to assist with strengthening your marriage or repairing
it. The antidote is simple; “Fondness and admiration are two of the most
crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.” Fondness and
admiration is imperative to maintain, and nourish your friendship with
each other. (Gottman, pg. 65)“If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree. So fondness and admiration prevent the couple from being trounced by the four horsemen.” (Gottman, pg. 65)
*The four horsemen being: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.
How often do you reflect on the positive traits your companion offers or the fond times of the past?
During this exercise, I remembered a moment when my husband and I were first dating. This one memory reminds me, my husband is the kindest most thoughtful person.
I was on a training course for six weeks in Newton, Iowa. Newton was 1492 miles away from home, and needless to say I was homesick. The training was difficult. I was a single mom missing my children in the middle of a strange place. Grant and I had been dating for a year, and we just started talking about marriage. It was hard to leave my happy life. One day after a long day of training a box arrived. I opened the box, and inside was one large envelope for me to open for every day I was going to be away. Inside each envelope was a small surprise, like a pair of socks, and a kind note. This loving gesture was overwhelming. I knew he loved me, and I didn’t feel alone. It was one of the nicest things ever done for me. It’s been too long since I have reflected on this fond memory. Remembering this event, I feel loved, respected, and secure. I agree with Gottman, we should admire the goodness in each other with fondness, and respect.
We would be wise to remember the lesson taught in the Mormon message “Looking through Windows”
All the woman does is criticize her neighbor’s filthiness, and lack of making any effort to clean. One day the woman’s husband cleaned their window, and when the woman enters the room she is impressed, the neighbor finally cleaned up! It turns out the dirt was on the woman’s window all along.
https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2012-01-004-looking-through-windows?lang=eng
If we look inward to our own weaknesses, repent, and humbly seek the Lord, He will show us ways we can improve, and assist us in seeing the good in our companion.
Changing our behaviors can be discouraging if we find ourselves reacting in the same negative way, but we can use our faith in Christ to become the companion He would have us be. Goddard says, “We ask God to show us how we can respond more as He would have us. We can mentally rehearse the new reaction. Most of us need to rehearse it many times to be ready to act in different ways.” (Goddard, 2007)
This is a message of hope. No matter what our challenge is we can ask for help, and we can use the Atonement to enable us to improve.
“Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good. Righteous love is the foundation of a successful marriage.” Elder Richard G. Scott, The Eternal Blessings of Marriage
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-eternal-blessings-of-marriage?lang=eng
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