Resolving Marital Conflicts

 

“If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being.” (President Faust, “The Healing Power of Forgiveness”)

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/the-healing-power-of-forgiveness?lang=eng

Marriage is a perfect union to grow, learn and be strengthened by a loving partner in a safe, secure environment. Although, there may be times when growing individually or as a couple proves to be difficult, and emotional scars need to be healed. This unfortunately is part of the unifying process. I acknowledge that there are couples that coast through marriage with little disagreements or disruptions, although I believe this to be the exception.  Gottman says, “every marriage is a union between two individuals who bring to it their own opinions, personality quirks, and values. So it’s no wonder that even in very happy marriages the husband and wife must cope with a profusion of marital issues.” (Gottman, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, pg 128)

It is valuable to note that our marital conflicts may be categorized into two categories: resolved or perpetual, “which means they will be a part of your lives forever, in some form or another.” (Gottman, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, pg 128)

Gottman observed the couples that cope well with perpetual issues “have learned to keep it in its place and to have a sense of humor about it.” This observation shows that couples can accept differences and cope with them. Every marriage will have conflict since no one is perfect. Part of coping is also forgiving. When a car runs out of fuel it simply will not move. Forgiveness is the fuel that allows a marriage to bloom and progress. As couples forgive each other they move forward leaving behind the mistakes of the past.

President Faust says, “Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”

“Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours. The folly of rehashing long-past hurts does not bring happiness.

Some hold grudges for a lifetime, unaware that courageously forgiving those who have wronged us is wholesome and therapeutic.”

When I forgive quickly, I feel more at peace freeing myself from the haunting feeling of bitterness and resentment. The healing process starts and both husband and wife can feel love and acceptance again. Being a forgiving person is showing faith in the Savior, Jesus Christ. Forgiving is accepting the Atonement. Forgiving is obeying Christ admonition “to forgive all men.” D&C 64:10. Forgiving is showing charity.

“As Shakespeare wrote in The Merchant of Venice, mercy is “twice blessed. It blesses him that gives and him that takes.” (Gottman, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, pg 155)