Commitment

This week I am posting 20 quotes from the text "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" by Dr. John Van Epp.

Chapter 12 is all on Commitment. These quotes give further insight into what commitment is, and provides reflective questions on how we can develop commitment in our relationships.

1.     Commitment is persevering, unwavering devotion that even death itself cannot sway, a loyal determination to fulfill what one has promised, an ever-present “weness” that sustains a union through the years.

2.     Commitment is both the pledge and the proof of love.

3.     I believe that the heart of commitment is an abiding spirit of belonging to each other.

4.     It is the feeling that, no matter where you are, you are at home with this partner. “I belong to you and you belong to me”.

5.     Commitment is inherent in love, and love is at the core of commitment.

6.     Commitment has this ideal thread of someone driven by desire and devotion.

7.     If we are realistic, the fiber of commitment is not only woven from the strand of “I want to,” but also has the intertwining strand of “I have to.”

8.     Obligation, responsibility, and dedication demand perseverance when a commitment has been made. Regardless of your obstacles, genuine commitment presses on.

9.     Making sense of commitment is enormously challenging as your relationship becomes more complex.

10. The first strand of commitment is made from passion, devotion, and resoluteness.

11. (Commitment) prompts personal sacrifices for the good of your partner. It holds your partner close to you even when you are apart and elevates his or her importance when you are together.

12. It is this aspect of commitment that also generates an identity in being a couple, not just individuals.

13. Be careful you don’t convince yourself with some rationalization that justifies your partner’s lack of commitment to others and assumes that you are in a different class from them.

14. A commitment will only be as strong as the conscience that upholds it.

15. For most, commitment is the want-to and the have-to.

16. As you invest time and experiences in your relationship with your partner, it is as though you sew more stitches with this thread of commitment.

17. The more meaningful your experiences, the deeper your talks, the wider your circle of friends and family, and the longer your spend together all become threads joining your lives together.

18. The same force of commitment can also cause you to compromise what you want in a relationship so you don’t lose what you’ve got.

19. There is an old saying about sewing, “ A stitch in time save nine.” This saying means that if there is a tear in the fabric that requires one stitch, take care of it immediately or it will grow and end up requiring nine. So for you and your partner, pay attention to the fabric of your relationship and deal wit problems immediately.

20. The last strand in the bond of commitment is the have-to component and refers to the beliefs of responsibility and obligation that you or your partner associates with everything from your first meeting to marriage.

Chemistry and Love

This week's learning from How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk are from Chapters 4 & 5.

Points to remember are:

"Patterns that influence long-term relationships usually are not evident early on." Take the time to get to know each other. Do not jump ahead into a physical relationship disregarding trust, rely, or commitment.

"Avoid extremes such as disclosing too much too soon or sharing too little too late." Again, take time to get to know someone. Refrain from telling them everything about your life, and all your feelings too soon.

"Pay special attention to how a partner acts or treats you in various situations." We all react different to different circumstances. You can learn more about someone by participating in various activities. How do they react when they are angry?

"The good doesn't always last, but the bad usually gets worse."

Now....A few things about Chemistry

• "Chemistry is not always a good judge of character."
• "Chemistry sees what it wants to see."
• "Chemistry is not constant even in the best of relationships."

Compatibility

"True compatibility consists of three dimensions: chemistry, complementarity, and comparability."

"...deeply knowing a partner is more than just talking, it requires an ongoing experience of togetherness."

The Relationship Attachment Model

This week in my Preparation for Marriage class we read chapters 2 & 3 of our text, How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk, by John Van Epp.

One of the principles Van Epp teaches is, "One of the most common ways people are set up to get involved with a jerk is by accelerating the pace of a relationship.You run an extremely high risk of thinking that you know your partner deeply, when actually you only know that person in superficial ways."

Van Epp continues, "Few subjects are as abstract and as big as love and attachment. Relationship bonds include concepts such as trust, reliance, commitment, affection, emotion, love, needs, and intimacy...I believe they are all related and are the product of only five universal human dynamics working together. The five fundamental dynamics are the depth to which you know, trust, rely on, have a commitment to, and have sexual involvement with another person."

The Relationship Attachment Model

All of these fundamentals are needed in a relationship, however there needs to be a healthy balance.

First, you need to get to know your person of interest. Really get to know them. Ask questions, and observe how they react. I remember when Grant and I went on our first date. We talk and talked. This was both entertaining, and a great way for us to find out more about each other. The conversations need to be more than what is your favorite movie. Getting to know someone allows you to build trust, and relying on someone is an act of trust. Next is commitment, and your partner and you should be able to commit, rely, trust and know each other. Touch is something that is too often given too early in the relationship. This is one way the relationship can be unbalanced if the touch is higher than know or trust. What might a healthy relationship look like? I wondered that myself. Do they all rank high? No, Know should be the highest on the scale. You should never trust someone more than you know them and you shouldn't rely on someone more than you trust them. You get it...It should be a healthy step down with know at a high rank. Keep a balance among these 5 dynamics.

There is also a warning that I would like to share from Van Epp,

"There is one basic rule for guarding the safe zone: never go further in one bonding area than you have gone in the previous."

Relationships take work. They take work in building them and in maintaining them. The Lord can assist us in learning about ourselves, and learning about relationships. We all are vulnerable, and if we apply the teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ in our lives, we will have the spirit with us to make decisions, and nurture relationships.

We want to build a marriage that will last through-out eternity, and in order to do this we need to take steps to start the relationship right, and progress from there.

"Marriage provides an ideal setting for overcoming any tendency to be selfish or self-centered....Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good, and the foundation of a successful marriage." 

- Elder Richard B. Scott

"What We Bring With Us"

"What We Bring With Us"

 (Chapter 2 Till Debt Do Us Part – Bernard Poduska)

This chapter reminded me of how naive two people are when they get married. This is probably a good thing, so they are able to learn, and grow together.

“It does not take us long to realize that we do not enter marriage empty handed; we carry a lot of “baggage” with us. For instance, we bring our levels of self esteem, our willingness to adapt change, our attitudes toward life, and our expectations and values.” What We Bring With Us (Chapter 2 Till Debt Do Us Part – Bernard Poduska pg. 25)

This quote captures the transition from single life to married life. The changes and realizations that occur present an opportunity to compromise. Things like how we view, and spend money, our beliefs on how to discipline or even how to load a dishwasher are brought to the forefront. Each of us hopes to marry the perfect person forgetting we are not perfect either.

“Unfortunately, many newlyweds tend to bring to their marriages a fairy-tale belief in living happily ever after, a belief seemingly based on the supposition: “We have been good. Therefore, only good things will happen to us. This belief seems to blind them to the fact that their relationship will undergo radical and usually unexpected changes.” What We Bring With Us (Chapter 2 Till Debt Do Us Part – Bernard Poduska pg. 25)

We do not tend to appreciate the transition process and the changes we go through individually or as a married couple. “But life is change and happiness is not fully appreciated in the absence of sorrow and hardship. Two people who go through life’s ups and downs together grow in ways neither may foresee.” What We Bring With Us (Chapter 2 Till Debt Do Us Part – Bernard Poduska pg. 25)

 

It is good to enter marriage with eyes open. Expect change to happen both in yourself and in your marriage relationship. Enter a marriage fully committed to each other and to your sacred union. Whether you are struggling with money, budgets, in-laws or merging traditions remember what is most important.

I think of my daughters who are in their young adult lives making choices that will shape their eternal destiny. No one can predict the issues that a married couple will struggle with. What I know to be true is, “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”

The Family-A Proclamation To The World https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

Be One

 

“Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine” (D&C 38:27).

Marriage is to adopt this goal of becoming one. It is not something we are working towards for this life, but for eternity. Elder Eyring says, “The requirement that we be one is not for this life alone. It is to be without end.” (That We May Become One. April, 1998)

As husband and wife live together each day the perspective should be to create unity. With this always top of mind, our choices of tone in speaking to each other or how we judge another may change. Working to become one would need to be an effort for husband, wife and the entire family. The opposite of unity is pride and selfishness. Although our goal is to love our family in word and deed to create unity, life can deliver circumstances that bring out the less desirable parts of us.

Elder Eyring offers this counsel,

“All of us have felt something of both union and separation. Sometimes in families and perhaps in other settings we have glimpsed life when one person put the interests of another above his or her own, in love and with sacrifice. And all of us know something of the sadness and loneliness of being separate and alone. We don’t need to be told which we should choose. We know. But we need hope that we can experience unity in this life and qualify to have it forever in the world to come. And we need to know how that great blessing will come so that we can know what we must do.”

Each of us will let someone down we love, but we must not overlook the main goal to create a unified union. 

“ The Savior of the world spoke of that unity and how we will have our natures changed to make it possible.” (Elder Eyring, That We May Become One. April, 1998)

I have seen this change happen in my own life. When my mother was terminal it was her desire that her children be together for Christmas. We had not all been together for many years, and honestly it was not something I looked forward to. I petitioned the Lord to assist me, and help me to desire to love those I was having a difficult time with. It turned out to be a lovely dinner. My sister, brother and I all worked together to provide a wonderful meal, and working together brought a unified spirit that was felt by us all. The Lord can change our natures if we will allow Him to. He will help us forgive, heal old wounds, and extend love. This process takes time, but whether we have small differences in our marriage or more complex ones the Savior, Jesus Christ has the power to assist us.

Peace in our marriage, and families is worth working for. Mending an offended spirit takes humility, and desire. When we put off the natural man, we allow the spirit to influence us.

“Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony…The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Ne. 11:29). It never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife (see Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 13th ed. [1963], 131). It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others. It unifies souls. A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls.” (Elder Eyring, That We May Become One. April, 1998)

Each day is a gift from our Father in Heaven. We can choose to have unity in all of our relationships. The Lord has given us His example to follow.

“If we are to have unity, there are commandments we must keep concerning how we feel. We must forgive and bear no malice toward those who offend us. The Savior set the example from the cross: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). (Elder Eyring, That We May Become One. April, 1998)

It is important to remember we do not know the details of one’s heart. We only see our perspective, which of course we think is right. May each of us strive to have a softened heart, and assume our spouse is doing there best. Charity is the answer.

“We do not know the hearts of those who offend us. Nor do we know all the sources of our own anger and hurt. The Apostle Paul was telling us how to love in a world of imperfect people, including ourselves, when he said, “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil” (1 Cor. 13:4–5).” (Elder Eyring, That We May Become One. April, 1998)

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/that-we-may-be-one?lang=eng

Physical Intimacy Ordained of God

My daughter and I recently had a discussion on intimacy. She brought up how she was taught the importance of chastity, and understands the importance of sexual purity. However, she felt unsure and unprepared for the blessings of physical intimacy in a married union. As a parent, I feel I could have emphasized the purpose of physical intimacy rather than focusing on the don’ts,“ Do not have any sexual relations before marriage.” This is important for our youth to know and follow, but I feel I missed the opportunity to share the blessings of intimacy in the Lord’s plan.

Focusing on God’s purpose for physical intimacy would have invited the spirit to testify to my daughter’s personally of the sacred powers of procreation.

If I have an opportunity to teach my daughter’s more about Physical Intimacy, here are some principles I would teach:

Physical Intimacy Ordained of God

Our world teaches to indulge in lust. It is essential to know we are experiencing a “natural man” journey.

“Behold Satan hath come among the children of men, and tempteth them to worship him; and men have become carnal, sensual, and devilish, and are shut out from the presence of God.” (Moses 6:49)

We experience feelings and urges, yet we must learn self-control and discipline. Satan would like us to misuse our sacred powers of procreation therefore; we need to comprehend the righteous purpose of physical intimacy.

“Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”

- President Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 311

Physical intimacy is a to give yourself whole-heartedly to your spouse. It allows trust and love to flourish and strengthen the bonds of husband and wife. The world removes the sacredness of physical intimacy, and focuses on physical gratification.

The Lord has asked that husband and wife become one. Physical intimacy is not only physical it is a spiritual act as well.

“I would speak of something that is most sacred. When we were created, Father in Heaven put in our body the capacity to stir powerful emotions. Within the covenant of marriage, when properly used in ways acceptable to both and to the Lord, those emotions open the doors for children to come to earth. Such sacred expressions of love are an essential part of the covenant of marriage. Within marriage, however, the stimulations of those emotions can either be used as an end unto itself or to allow a couple to draw close in oneness through the beautiful, appropriate expression of these feelings between husband and wife. There are times, brethren, when you need to restrain you feelings. There are times when you need to allow their full expression. Let the Lord guide you in ways that will enrich your marriage.”

-Richard G. Scott, “The Sanctity of Womanhood,” Ensign, May 2000, 37; emphasis added.

Each of us is a son or daughter of God, and we need to treat each other with love and respect. It takes time to learn to love, and trust one another. Patience is needed for love to develop.

“Both husbands and wives have physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual need associated with this sacred act. They will be able to complement each other in the marriage relationship if they give tender, considerate attention to these needs of their partner. Each should seek to fulfill the other’s needs rather than to use this highly significant relationship merely to satisfy his or her own passion. Couples will discover differences in the needs or desires each partner has for the relationship, but when each strives to satisfy the needs of the other these differences need not present a serious problem. Remember, this intimate relationship between husband and wife was established to bring joy to them. An effort to reach this righteous objective will enable married couples to use their complementary natures to bring joy to this union.” A Parent’s Guide, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

It is essential to remember that our purpose should be to bring joy to our marriage. Consideration for each other should always be a priority. Developing a joyful union requires honest and thoughtful communication.

“Physical intimacy between husband and wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife.” https://www.lds.org/youth/for-the-strength-of-youth/sexual-purity?lang=eng