"Supporting Families across Generations"

Supporting Families across Generations

“Extended families should lend support when needed.” The Family: A Proclamation To The World (September 1995)

(Richard B. Miller, Ron Cook, and Jeremy B. Yorgason, 2012, p.177 Successful Marriages and Families)

I grew up watching my mom serving her parents, siblings, friends and neighbours. I have a clear understanding of what it means to support extended family members. To me, this means everyone not just those who are related to you. It is important to remember family. Our grandparents have paid the way for us and serving them is showing gratitude for the love and sacrifice they gave to us.

Service to extended family may not be obvious or easy to give. The opportunity to offer support is also an opportunity to develop charity.

Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is the love that Christ has for the children of men and that the children of men should have for one another. It is the highest, noblest, and strongest kind of love and the most joyous to the soul (1 Nephi 11:23).

Both of my parents supported me when I was a single mom. My dad would tend to my children, take them to the bus stop, pull them on the sleigh up a huge hill watch them slide down the hill and pull them up again, read to them, cut up fruit and meat in tiny bite size pieces to make sure they wouldn’t choke, go on long walks and watch movies together. My mom would let the kid’s use their imaginations by letting them play where ever and how they wanted. It didn’t matter that the house was a disaster, bake with them, sing fun songs to them, and often give gifts that only they would love. I am forever grateful for the service and support my parents gave to my family and me.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell called grandparents the “strategic reserve” in extended families. (1997, p.146) (Richard B. Miller, Ron Cook, and Jeremy B. Yorgason, 2012, p.178 Successful Marriages and Families)

President Ezra Taft Benson (1989,pp 6,7) said,

“We encourage families to give their elderly parents and grandparent the love, care, and attention they deserve. Let us remember the scriptural command that we must care for those of our own house lest we be found “worse than an infidel” (I Timothy 5:8)….If they become less able to live independently, then family, Church, and community resources may be needed to help them. When the elderly become unable to care for themselves, even with the supplemental aid, care can be provided in the home of a family member when possible.” (Richard B. Miller, Ron Cook, and Jeremy B. Yorgason, 2012, p.178 Successful Marriages and Families)

A New Significance to Honoring

“Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee” (Ex. 20:12). This is one of the commandments given through Moses to the children of Israel as they wandered through the Sinai Desert. It is still as much a commandment today as it was when given more than three thousand years ago. However, honoring our parents takes on new significance and meaning with more people living beyond age sixty-five (the normal retirement age in many countries), who, because of physical disabilities associated with advanced age, will need part-time or full-time care from family members. (Ensign September 1995 Taking Care of Mom and Dad) https://www.lds.org/ensign/1995/09/taking-care-of-mom-and-dad?lang=eng

They Cannot Be Lost

They Cannot Be Lost: Temple Covenants Save Families

“The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.”

(Kyle L. Pehrson, Ron Cook, and Nancy L. Madsen, 2012, p.169 Successful Marriages and Families)

President Boyd K. Packer reminds us that, “it is a great challenge to raise a family in the darkening mists of our moral environment” (Packer, B.K. (2003, Mat). The golden years. Ensign, 33, 82-84.

Being a parent in the last days preparatory to the Savior’s Second Coming is a challenge and President Packer’s comment sheds a true light on what the environment is like for families. Since my children were in junior high school, I have noticed the changes in views of morality and the embracing of what used to be incorrect principles. The opinions of parents are more being a friend to their children and rules seem to be slack or absent all together. You will hear parents say, “I am ok with my son/daughter drinking or having a party if it’s in my home so I can be there.” It is hard to describe the mists of darkness in our lives, but you know what they are when you travel through them.

Our children will be met with challenges of their own this is a part of God’s plan. Each of us needs to be proven. We are taught, “happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of Jesus Christ.” (September 1995)  https://www.lds.org/ensign/1995/11/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng

“Despite the efforts of loving and dedicated parents who want nothing more than to teach their children true principles, some of those children may stray and be drawn away by forces well beyond the control of their parents.” (Kyle L. Pehrson, Ron Cook, and Nancy L. Madsen, 2012, p.169 Successful Marriages and Families)

“Thankfully, latter-day prophets and apostles assure us that the Atonement and sealing ordinances are sufficiently powerful to eventually bring salvation to the children of parents who diligently seek to keep their temple covenants.” (Kyle L. Pehrson, Ron Cook, and Nancy L. Madsen, 2012, p.169 Successful Marriages and Families)

Christ is the center link connecting families together

Our children need to use their agency and sometimes they will make mistakes. Some of their choices will take them away from the Lord and the principles that parents teach them. This can be a worrisome time in the life of a parent. What is important is to never give up hope on your children and in the covenants you have made with the Lord. He keeps His promises.

The Prophet Joseph Smith promises, “when a seal is put upon the father and mother, it secures their posterity, so that they cannot be lost, but will be saved by virtue of the covenant of their father and mother.” (1976, p.321)

Elder Orson F. Whitney taught:

“The Shepherd will find his sheep. They were his before they were yours- long before he entrusted them to your care; and you cannot begin to love them as he loves them. They have but strayed in ignorance from the Path of Right, and God is merciful to ignorance. Only the fullness of knowledge brings accountability. Our Heavenly Father is far more merciful, infinitely more charitable, than even the best of his servants, and the Everlasting Gospel is mightier in power to save than our narrow finite minds can comprehend.” (Kyle L. Pehrson, Ron Cook, and Nancy L. Madsen, 2012, p.170 Successful Marriages and Families)

With this understanding, parents should love their children with a Christ-like love. Not accepting the sin, but ever being a loving parent. Remembering, “All those who come to this earth followed Christ in the premortal world and accepted His plan for our eternal progression. (Kyle L. Pehrson, Ron Cook, and Nancy L. Madsen, 2012, p.174 Successful Marriages and Families)

Knowing this comforts me. Our children who may stray once knew Christ and His teachings and will know Him again. They had testimonies of this mission. Parents should continue to live faithfully holding on to the promises of keeping their covenants.

In Matthew 19:26 the Savior, Jesus Christ says, “…with God all things are possible.”

Crucibles and Healing: Illness, Loss, Death, and Bereavement

Crucibles and Healing:

Illness, Loss, Death, and Bereavement

Illness, loss, death and bereavement is something that comes to each family. I have observed that challenges are an opportunity for the family to come together even if it is death. Pulling together and mourning with each other can strengthen us. I have also witnessed these challenges tear families apart. Blame and withdrawing from family are actions that invite contention and wedge distance between each other. We are to unite as families and work together no matter the circumstance.

“The Proclamation teaches that it is essential to our Eternal father’s plan that His children “obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience. The experience of being human in a flawed mortal realm brings both joy and sorrow, with many of life’s’ most difficult challenges occurring as a result of the temporal condition of our bodies.” (W. David Robinson, Jason S. Caroll, and Elaine Sorenson Marshall, 2012, p.237 Successful Marriages and Families)

“Adversities such as illness or disability, death and bereavement, and other losses are unavoidable parts of earthly experience and may become spiritual crucibles with the potential to transform individuals and families. For some families, these life-altering experiences tear at relationships and drown family members in feelings of heartache, injustice, and bitterness. For others, these unexpected challenges serve as “emotional crucibles” (Robinson, et al, 2005) that enhance relationships among family members, renew appreciation for significant aspects of life, and inspire faith in the wisdom and grace of God.” (W. David Robinson, Jason S. Caroll, and Elaine Sorenson Marshall, 2012, p.237-238 Successful Marriages and Families)

“Our perspective often determines how we define and respond to such situations.” (W. David Robinson, Jason S. Caroll, and Elaine Sorenson Marshall, 2012, p.237 Successful Marriages and Families)

President Spencer W. Kimball shares these words of comfort:

“If we looked at mortality as the whole of existence, then pain, sorrow, failure, and short life could be a calamity. But if we look upon life as an eternal thing stretching far into the premortal past and on into the eternal post-death future, then all happenings may be put in proper perspective.” (1972, p97) (W. David Robinson, Jason S. Caroll, and Elaine Sorenson Marshall, 2012, p.238 Successful Marriages and Families)

The proclamation teaches that the cumulative purpose of all experiences in this life is to help us “progress toward perfection and realize our “destiny as heirs of eternal life.” Having faith in God and in His “divine plan of happiness” is the first principle of a perspective that recognizes meaning and growth as coming from life’s crucibles. (W. David Robinson, Jason S. Caroll, and Elaine Sorenson Marshall, 2012, p.238 Successful Marriages and Families)

Bruce C. Hafen, a member of the Seventy wrote;

“Our understanding of the Atonement is hardly a shield against sorrow; rather, it is a rich source of strength to deal productively with the disappointments and heartbreaks that form the deliberate fabric of mortal life. The gospel helps us to heal our pain, not necessarily to prevent it.” (W. David Robinson, Jason S. Caroll, and Elaine Sorenson Marshall, 2012, p.239 Successful Marriages and Families)

So you may be tempted to ask WHY? Why is there sorrow, pain and challenges?

The Lord taught Adam that opposition is needed in this life so that the children of God can “taste the bitter, that they may know to prize the good” (Moses 6:55)

Elder Neal A. Maxwell reminds us: “There is, in the suffering of the highest order, a point that is reached-a point of aloneness-when the individual (as did the Savior on a much grander scale) must bear it…alone. Even the faithful may wonder if they can take any more or if they are in some way forsaken. Those who…stand at the foot of the cross often can do so little to help absorb the pain and the anguish. It is something we must bear ourselves in order that our triumph can be complete.” (1979, p43) (W. David Robinson, Jason S. Caroll, and Elaine Sorenson Marshall, 2012, p.240 Successful Marriages and Families)

“Families must realize that different individuals may be in different places emotionally and spiritually, and nearly everyone moves back and forth among such dynamic aspects of crucible experiences.” (W. David Robinson, Jason S. Caroll, and Elaine Sorenson Marshall, 2012, p.241 Successful Marriages and Families)

Elder Richard G. Scott explains, “It is important to understand that (the Lord’s) healing can mean being cured, or having your burdens eased, or even coming to realize that it is worth it to endure to the end patiently, for God needs brave sons and daughters who are willing to be polished when in His wisdom that is His will.” (1994,p7) (W. David Robinson, Jason S. Caroll, and Elaine Sorenson Marshall, 2012, p.245 Successful Marriages and Families)

One of my favorite scriptures is Alma 7: 11-13

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

 12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

“From this scripture, we learn two important truths. First, the Atonement’s healing power is not only for overcoming the effects of sin, but also extends to the entire range of mortal suffering and adversity.” (Hafen 1989)

“Two greatest resources of healing in this life: the gospel of Jesus Christ and our families.” (W. David Robinson, Jason S. Caroll, and Elaine Sorenson Marshall, 2012, p.245 Successful Marriages and Families)

Parenting with Love, Limits, and Latitude: Proclamation Principles and Supportive Scholarship

Parenting with Love, Limits, and Latitude:

Proclamation Principles and Supportive Scholarship

Parenting is by far the most rewarding and greatest challenge I have ever experienced. I love being a Mom. I have wonderful daughters who love me, challenge me, teach me and make me a better person. Everyone has agency and we can choose our parenting techniques and work to improve our parenting styles no matter how old our children are. We will be parents forever!

“Adam and Eve discovered the importance of agency as they dealt with family members with different personalities and proclivities who chose to use their agency for good and for ill. Our wise first parents applied gospel principles in teaching their children about the commandments of God. They learned first hand about the spiritual guidance that God grants to parents as they fulfill their sacred responsibilities, encouraging their growth and happiness (Moses 5:10-12)” (Craig H. Hart, Lloyd D. Newell, and Julie H.Haupt, 2012, p.103Successful Marriages and Families)

“To assist parents in meeting their family responsibilities, the Lord has given commandments, guiding principles, and helpful examples in the scriptures, along with the counsel of modern-day prophets and apostles.” (Craig H. Hart, Lloyd D. Newell, and Julie H.Haupt, 2012, p.103Successful Marriages and Families)

I am most grateful for these resources. I think when I was a parent for the first time I thought that I was going to do a better job than my parents did. I was always going to do the right thing, say the right thing and my children will love and obey me. And then….I woke up. But seriously, the resources the Lord has given me are tools are use daily. The Holy Ghost has been my best friend through times when I just have no idea what to do. I have felt the Lord comfort me and I gain strength from knowing that I am not alone in anything. That includes parenting.

“In parenting, mothers and fathers have the challenge and opportunity to apply general principles derived from inspired sources and adapt them to their individual and family circumstances as they diligently strive to meet their children’s physical, emotional, and spiritual needs (see D&C 68:25-28;75:28,83:4-5, Mosiah 4:14. Timothy 5:4)  (Craig H. Hart, Lloyd D. Newell, and Julie H.Haupt, 2012, p.103Successful Marriages and Families)

Children can be trying and strong willed. In a statement made by the First Presidency in 1912 we learn much about the premortal life, “All people who come to this earth and are born in mortality, had a pre-existent, spiritual personality, as the sons and daughters of the Eternal Father” notice it doesn’t say perfect personalities.

“As President James E. Faust (1990, p.34) observed, “Child rearing is so individualistic. Every child is different and unique. What works with one may not work with another.” Whatever the nature and disposition of a given child, wise parents work to adjust, relate to and rear each child in a manner that is somewhat tempered to individual needs as parents and children learn from each other.” (Craig H. Hart, Lloyd D. Newell, and Julie H.Haupt, 2012, p.104 Successful Marriages and Families)

“Parents should never drive their children, but lead them along, giving them knowledge as their minds are prepared to receive it. Chastening may be necessary betimes, but parents should govern their children by faith rather than by the rod, leading them kindly by good example into all truth and holiness.” (Widstoe, 1978, p 208). (Craig H. Hart, Lloyd D. Newell, and Julie H.Haupt, 2012, p.105 Successful Marriages and Families)

“Righteous parenting emphasizes charity, gentleness, kindness, long suffering, persuasion, and appropriate discipline in a warm and nurturing relationship. (D&C 121:39-49)

“In order to promote optimal development and to rear children in love and righteousness, the following are crucial elements for each child, although specific implementations and approaches may be individualized based upon the needs and personality of the particular child:

·      Love, warmth, and support

·      Clear and reasonable expectations for competent behavior

·      Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise

·      Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments for breaching established limits

·      Opportunities to perform competently and make choices

·      Absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline, such as harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming, and inflicting guilt

·      Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values, and positive attitudes

There is so much more I could add to this whole section, but most has already been said even though briefly. One thing I have learned is you never give up on your child!

“(My) hand is stretched out still” Isaiah 5:25