Building fondness and admiration in your marriage

Today I heard a colleague ask another colleague, “Do you drink?” and her reply was “Yes, marriage is hard.”
Now, to be fair, marriage is challenging, however,  what does the world think about marriage? Is it the difficulty people focus on? Marriage can be a beautiful union when a couple come together with common goals, and embrace each others faults, weaknesses for the greater goodness of their relationship.

A wise friend gave counsel on marriage when she said, look at your companion through an out of focus lens. This way we do not focus on a specific fault or weakness.

Many have difficulty in their marriage; however, couples can get caught up in the negative. Gottman’s “Antidote to Contempt” is definitely sure to assist with strengthening your marriage or repairing it. The antidote is simple; “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.” Fondness and admiration is imperative to maintain, and nourish your friendship with each other. (Gottman, pg. 65)

“If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree. So fondness and admiration prevent the couple from being trounced by the four horsemen.” (Gottman, pg. 65)


*The four horsemen being: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

How often do you reflect on the positive traits your companion offers or the fond times of the past?

During this exercise, I remembered a moment when my husband and I were first dating. This one memory reminds me, my husband is the kindest most thoughtful person.
I was on a training course for six weeks in Newton, Iowa. Newton was 1492 miles away from home, and needless to say I was homesick. The training was difficult. I was a single mom missing my children in the middle of a strange place. Grant and I had been dating for a year, and we just started talking about marriage. It was hard to leave my happy life. One day after a long day of training a box arrived. I opened the box, and inside was one large envelope for me to open for every day I was going to be away. Inside each envelope was a small surprise, like a pair of socks, and a kind note. This loving gesture was overwhelming. I knew he loved me, and I didn’t feel alone. It was one of the nicest things ever done for me. It’s been too long since I have reflected on this fond memory. Remembering this event, I feel loved, respected, and secure. I agree with Gottman, we should admire the goodness in each other with fondness, and respect.

We would be wise to remember the lesson taught in the Mormon message “Looking through Windows”

 

All the woman does is criticize her neighbor’s filthiness, and lack of making any effort to clean. One day the woman’s husband cleaned their window, and when the woman enters the room she is impressed, the neighbor finally cleaned up! It turns out the dirt was on the woman’s window all along.
 https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2012-01-004-looking-through-windows?lang=eng

If we look inward to our own weaknesses, repent, and humbly seek the Lord, He will show us ways we can improve, and assist us in seeing the good in our companion.
Changing our behaviors can be discouraging if we find ourselves reacting in the same negative way, but we can use our faith in Christ to become the companion He would have us be. Goddard says, “We ask God to show us how we can respond more as He would have us. We can mentally rehearse the new reaction. Most of us need to rehearse it many times to be ready to act in different ways.” (Goddard, 2007)

This is a message of hope. No matter what our challenge is we can ask for help, and we can use the Atonement to enable us to improve.
“Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good. Righteous love is the foundation of a successful marriage.” Elder Richard G. Scott, The Eternal Blessings of Marriage

 https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-eternal-blessings-of-marriage?lang=eng

Creating a Strong Marriage takes Work

“ If we are to have a strong marriage, we must put off the natural man and learn better ways.” (Goddard, Wallace H. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2007.)

I have often wondered how to build a strong marriage if you did not have an example to follow. Many of us experienced childhood without the ideal example of two parents working together in harmony, and building upon an eternal marriage

The Lord gives us patterns to follow to become a loving spouse and parent. Goddard, the author of Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, suggests some behaviors we learned as a child may influence our marriage. Some of these behaviors are:

·      Selfishness

·      Defensiveness

·      Faultfinding

·      Sarcasm

·      Intimidation

·      Arguing persuasively

·      Pride

No one would like to admit they behave in this manner, and not everyone learns these behaviors in the home. These behaviors are part of the “natural man”.

One of my favorite scriptures is Mosiah 3:19,

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”

I never thought to replace the word “man” with “spouse” or my own name for that matter. This scripture teaches us how to become the best husband or wife we can be, and it also reminds our companions are not perfect either. This is important to remember, so we may work together, and become new creatures in Christ. This will allow the Holy Ghost to influence our hearts, and through the Atonement we will be transformed to become like Christ.

“The Gospel of Jesus Christ-that great plan of happiness-provides the solutions for our humanness. Having suffered the bitter fruits of badness, it invites us to prize the good fruits of gospel-anchored relationships (See Moses 6:55).” (Goddard, Wallace H. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2007. Pg. 5)

I have experienced happiness in marriage, and it is the gospel of Jesus Christ that makes this possible. I have a wonderful husband. We work together as a team. He serves the Lord and in our home with a kind, patient spirit. We love each other and still everything that is good about our relationship would still not be enough to keep a healthy marriage without the gospel. I agree with Goddard when he says,

“I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person-to be born again-to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways.” (Goddard, Wallace H. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2007. Pg 5.)

All the things we are asked to do daily to put off the natural man such as; pray, read scriptures, serve, repent and keep the commandments assures us the companionship of the Holy Ghost. Each day we become better because we are using the Holy Ghost’s influence. This allows us to act and react in loving ways to our spouse and family.

“We will only succeed at marriage as we use eternal gospel principles to become more of what God has invited us to become. Marriage is God’s graduate school for advanced training in Christian character. Those truly succeeding at marriage are those who are applying the Gospel of Jesus Christ in their lives.” (Goddard, Wallace H. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2007. Pg 8.)

Marriage is ordained of God, and God did not expect us to succeed in marriage without help. He loves us, and knows of each of the challenges we face. Goddard says, “…understanding doctrine softens our hearts and leads to Christ-like behavior, which culminates in happy marriages.” (Goddard, Wallace H. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2007. Pg 8.)

I know praying, reading scriptures, repenting, serving and keeping the commandments humbles me, and my heart is open to the spirit. The formula for me to be a good wife is to keep my covenants, and follow what the prophets have asked us to do. Through Christ, I can become a better companion for my husband, and this is what I want. We must never give up, but persevere through the challenges.

Elder Whirthlin says, “perseverance means to continue in a given course until we have reached a goal or objective, regardless of obstacles, opposition, and other counterinfluences…the ultimate example of perseverance is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who has and will overcome every obstacle in doing the will of our Heavenly Father.” https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1987/10/never-give-up?lang=eng

Marriage is hard work, and as we persevere we will experience the blessings of marriage. Elder Scott says, “Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good. Righteous love is the foundation of a successful marriage.” https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-eternal-blessings-of-marriage?lang=eng

As we follow the counsel in Mosiah 3:19, we will enrich our marriage, and become more Christlike.

"The Temple is an ever-present reminder that God intends the family to be eternal" - President Benson

Great youth leaders taught me about the importance of the temple. My goal, as a young woman, was to marry in the temple. On January 8^th, 2005 my goal became a realization and one year later my three daughters we sealed to my husband and I. Our attitudes and testimonies have a far reach by influencing our family, church family and all those in whom we have contact. Therefore, it is imperative to teach others of the blessings of the temple.

President Benson says, “The temple is an ever-present reminder that God intends the family to be eternal. How fitting it is for mothers and fathers to point to the temple and say to their children, “That is the place where we were married for eternity.” By so doing, the ideal of temple marriage can be instilled within the minds and hearts of your children wile very young. (What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children about the Temple April 1986) https://www.lds.org/ensign/1985/08/what-i-hope-you-will-teach-your-children-about-the-temple.p1?lang=eng


As the definition of marriage and family erodes, it is imperative we teach our children the blessings of the temple. President Benson teaches, “In the peace of these lovely temples, sometimes we find solutions to the serious problems of life. Under the influence of the Spirit, sometimes pure knowledge flows to us there. Temples are places of personal revelation. When I have been weighed down by a problem or a difficulty, I have gone to the House of the Lord with a prayer in my heart for answers. These answers have come in clear and unmistakable ways.” (What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children about the Temple April 1986)

This is what I want to teach my children. I want them to know there is a place where the Lord has designed for us to feel peace in a chaotic world to feel His presence, receive direction and receive their blessings to return to Him.
The temple can strengthen our marriage. No matter what phase we are in or how many months or years we’ve been married we can always improve and draw closer to the Lord together.
Here are the blessings of temple attendance according to President Benson:

• You will receive the spirit of Elijah, which will turn your hearts to your spouse, to your children, and to your forebears.
• You will love your family with a deeper love than you have loved before.
• Your hearts will be turned to your fathers and theirs to you.
• You will be endowed with power from on high as the Lord has promised.
• You will receive the key of the knowledge of God. D&C 84:19

You will learn how you can be like Him. Even the power of godliness will be manifest to you. You will be doing a great service to those who have passed to the other side of the veil in order that they might be “judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.” D&C 138:34

These blessings will strengthen us individually, in our marriage and family. Our children must be prepared to make and keep sacred covenants. We as parents can teach them what covenants are and prepare them to make covenants. Children need to be taught to give a 100% just like a companion must give in a covenant marriage (“Covenant Marriage, Elder Bruce C. Hafen 1996). https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng

We teach them by example and by word. We can prepare them to receive the ordinances of the temple, and when appropriate, we should teach them the temptations that will come to each marriage. This is important to do so they will know not to give up, but to work with their companion and the Lord. It is my belief that we do not inform of the reality of relationships, and the work needed to be happy.
Elder Bruce C. Hafen warns of these temptations: “Every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves.”

1.  “The first wolf is natural adversity.”
2. “Second, the wolf of their own imperfections will test them.”
3. “The third wolf is the excessive individualism that has spawned today’s contractual attitudes.”

(“Covenant Marriage, Elder Bruce C. Hafen 1996)

If we know the temptations ahead, we can better strengthen, protect, and recognize the adversary efforts. Elder Bednar says, “ We have been counseled strongly by the First Presidency to devote our best efforts to the strengthening of marriage and the home.” May we each be prayerful in our own circumstance to inquire of the Lord what more we can do to strengthen our marriage and family. (Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan, Elder David A. Bednar, June 2006)
 https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan.p1?lang=eng

The Attack on Marriage

How many people in the world know there is an “attack on marriage as a union between a man and a woman”? (Wardle, 2008)

A question important enough to consider since I know what I believe; “The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.”https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng 

If a person knows there is an attack on the family, and the definition of marriage between a man and a woman what should a responsible Christian person do? I was impressed with the account of Moishe the Beadle. A Jew who was arrested and deported by the Nazis, but months later Moishe secretly returned to the village reciting what happened to him, and warning others of the evil arising. He only wanted to be listened to, and warn his friends, and neighbors of the danger of the Gestapo coming to get them. No one listened resulting in many falling to a disastrous fate by the Germans. (Wardle 2008 pg. 1365 -1366)

Moishe was brave, and did all he could to warn his neighbor. I would also like to be a Moishe testifying to others of God’s plan for us, and the purpose and blessings of traditional marriage. “How marriage is defined sends signals to and reflects common understandings about the expectations o the relationship…Legalizing same-sex marriage will drain marriage of social meaning. Marriage links not only men with women, but parents with children. Legalizing same-sex marriage obscures that linkage, weakens the message connecting marriage with spousal and parental responsibility, and guarantees that children will be deprived of an extremely valuable and protective relationship with their father or their mother.” (Wardle The Attack on Marriage, 2008 pg. 1370)

Here are a few of the reasons why I am a protector of the family and marriage between a man and woman:

Marriage between a man and a woman is the “moral core of the family and the moral baseline and standards for society in many ways. Marriage is a society’s cultural infrastructure…In marriage and family, the individual acquires his core kinship identity. Without a soled family identity, many persons struggle and some turn to gangs and extremist movements as a substitute for family identity.” (Wardle The Attack on Marriage, 2008 pg. 1371)

I teach my children truth, and it is in the home where we, as parents, can influence our children for good. We lead by example as we keep our covenants, and live a virtuous life. “Marriage cultivates a morality of love and sacrifice. In conjugal marriage we learn through practice to subordinate self-interest to service, to sacrifice for the welfare of other, to nurture, give, and express love, to forgive and be one with another.” (Wardle The Attack on Marriage, 2008 pg. 1372)

“…when marriages fail, society must pick up the pieces and the public incurs social costs such as for increased mental health treatment, medical services, juvenile delinquency, impaired education, and reduced labor productivity.” (Wardle The Attack on Marriage, 2008 pg. 1370)

“Marriage is sacred and was ordained of God from before the foundation of the world. Jesus Christ affirmed the divine origins of marriage: “Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?”(The Divine Institution of Marriage pg 3) The Savior himself testifies to each of us what marriage is, and it sacred purpose.

In July, 2005, Alberta passed the law allowing same-sex marriages. I have witnessed the definition of marriage degraded, the desensitization of youth, citizens, and a corrupt educational system. Government recently passed a policy where same-sex marriage, homosexuality, transgender choosing is taught in our public educational system. Government has also passed policy for the washrooms to be open to transgender students meaning a boy can use the girls’ washroom, and vice versa. Changing rooms are also unisex. Parents and concerned citizens are now trying to rally together, however, this policy passed without knowledge or voting from the people. This is another way how our children become vulnerable to gender confusion, and the true meaning of marriage.

It is overwhelming to see drastic change happen so quickly. Almost twenty years ago, The Family: A Proclamation To The World was issued to the entire world. At first I thought it was a nice declaration, and now I know it was given for a purpose. It is our responsibility to be courageous and stand for truth. Our voice counts. We must have our testimonies rooted in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and kindly express our stand on marriage and family. The Proclamation is a standard for us to learn and teach correct principles, and to teach our children in the home our Heavenly Father’s will. “Strong, stable families, headed by a father and mother, are the anchor of society.” ?”(The Divine Institution of Marriage pg 12)

President Monson says, “we need courage—“the courage to say no, the courage to say yes. Decisions do determine destiny.” (April 2015 President Monson Calls for Courage)

May we have the courage to get informed, and act as a disciple of Christ to defend family and marriage.

Choose Marriage

This week I learned how to strengthen my marriage by reading an article called "Divorce" by Elder Dallin H. Oaks. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng

Elder Oaks talks about the importance of marriage, and the affects of divorce with powerful suggestions on how to strengthen your marriage. It's easy to only think of your own challenges, and neglect the needs ofyour spouse and family. Marriage takes work. 

Elder Russell M. Nelson says, "Energy is always required to provide lift over opposing forces. These same laws apply in our personal lives. Whenever an undertaking is begun, both the energy and the will to endure are essential." Endure and Be Lifted Up, April 1997  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1997/04/endure-and-be-lifted-up?lang=eng 

Although marriage is between a man and woman, marriage itself affects the quality of the family. 

Elder Oaks counsels to think of the children.

“Think first of the children. Because divorce separates the interests of children from the interests of their parents, children are its first victims. Scholars of family life tell us that the most important cause of the current decline in the well-being of children is the current weakening of marriage, because family instability decreases parental investment in children.” (Divorce, April 2007, Elder Dallin H. Oaks)

Adults have a tendency to get self-absorbed in their own problems, and forget or neglect the needs of their children. A life, marriage or family centered on the teachings of Jesus Christ assists us to love, serve and have charity for each other. Considering others feelings before our own prideful motives makes for a happier environment in the home. Contentious feelings break communication, and leave a tense feeling in the home making it difficult to feel or be influenced by the spirit.

It takes desire, work and selflessness to change and improve your views on marriage if you have experienced divorce.  The Lord can tutor us to avoid divorce, especially if we chose to make and keep covenants.

 Elder Oaks gives straightforward counsel on what we can do to strengthen our marriages:

“Don’t treasure up past wrongs, reprocessing them again and again. In a marriage relationship, festering is destructive; forgiving is divine (see D&C 64:9–10). Plead for the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord to forgive wrongs (as President Faust has just taught us so beautifully), to overcome faults, and to strengthen relationships.” (Divorce, April 2007, Elder Dallin H. Oaks)

Remember no one is perfect. Work together to build a loving marriage. The forgiving part is key. "A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection."(Divorce, April 2007, Elder Dallin H. Oaks)
The Savior set the perfect example of “thy will be done” and this attitude should be considered when we want our own way. Tackling our pride ensures a gentle voice, invites the spirit, kindles kindness, and communication progresses. 

"Supporting Families across Generations"

Supporting Families across Generations

“Extended families should lend support when needed.” The Family: A Proclamation To The World (September 1995)

(Richard B. Miller, Ron Cook, and Jeremy B. Yorgason, 2012, p.177 Successful Marriages and Families)

I grew up watching my mom serving her parents, siblings, friends and neighbours. I have a clear understanding of what it means to support extended family members. To me, this means everyone not just those who are related to you. It is important to remember family. Our grandparents have paid the way for us and serving them is showing gratitude for the love and sacrifice they gave to us.

Service to extended family may not be obvious or easy to give. The opportunity to offer support is also an opportunity to develop charity.

Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is the love that Christ has for the children of men and that the children of men should have for one another. It is the highest, noblest, and strongest kind of love and the most joyous to the soul (1 Nephi 11:23).

Both of my parents supported me when I was a single mom. My dad would tend to my children, take them to the bus stop, pull them on the sleigh up a huge hill watch them slide down the hill and pull them up again, read to them, cut up fruit and meat in tiny bite size pieces to make sure they wouldn’t choke, go on long walks and watch movies together. My mom would let the kid’s use their imaginations by letting them play where ever and how they wanted. It didn’t matter that the house was a disaster, bake with them, sing fun songs to them, and often give gifts that only they would love. I am forever grateful for the service and support my parents gave to my family and me.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell called grandparents the “strategic reserve” in extended families. (1997, p.146) (Richard B. Miller, Ron Cook, and Jeremy B. Yorgason, 2012, p.178 Successful Marriages and Families)

President Ezra Taft Benson (1989,pp 6,7) said,

“We encourage families to give their elderly parents and grandparent the love, care, and attention they deserve. Let us remember the scriptural command that we must care for those of our own house lest we be found “worse than an infidel” (I Timothy 5:8)….If they become less able to live independently, then family, Church, and community resources may be needed to help them. When the elderly become unable to care for themselves, even with the supplemental aid, care can be provided in the home of a family member when possible.” (Richard B. Miller, Ron Cook, and Jeremy B. Yorgason, 2012, p.178 Successful Marriages and Families)

A New Significance to Honoring

“Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee” (Ex. 20:12). This is one of the commandments given through Moses to the children of Israel as they wandered through the Sinai Desert. It is still as much a commandment today as it was when given more than three thousand years ago. However, honoring our parents takes on new significance and meaning with more people living beyond age sixty-five (the normal retirement age in many countries), who, because of physical disabilities associated with advanced age, will need part-time or full-time care from family members. (Ensign September 1995 Taking Care of Mom and Dad) https://www.lds.org/ensign/1995/09/taking-care-of-mom-and-dad?lang=eng