The enemy within - Pride

  "Love is not a happy accident; It is a choice.” – Goddard

I love the word choice in this quote. Day by day, hour by our and minute-by-minute we make choices. Choosing happiness in marriage is no different.  When we get caught up in ourselves, our own desires and wills this can upset and bring contention in a relationship.
If we do not choose love, humility and repentance to bring harmony in marriage, then we choose pride.

President Benson says, “ Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance.” (Beware of Pride May 1989)
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng&query=ezra+taft+benson

What is pride? And does it destroy our marriages?

Pride is “enmity- enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” (Beware of Pride May 1989)

Each of us knows when we feel prideful, yet it is difficult to get out of the pride rut or is it?
The key is to follow the Savior’s admonition, and remember,

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” Mosiah 3:19

Goddard says, “The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others.” (Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage page 62)

We natural have a tendency to look outward and react to others behavior rather than looking inward. It isn’t easy to quietly reflect on ones own weakness and faults, but we must in order to allow humility to overpower pride.

“We must set aside our provincial view of the world (and of our spouses), and be open to our partner’s perspective. We must invite truth, the heavenly perspective.” (Goddard, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage page 64)

Removing a prideful attitude may be hard, but we do not have to do it alone. When contentious attitudes are felt we can choose to go to our Heavenly Father in prayer and ask for help.

“Rather than depend on our own limited abilities, we can have the humility to go to God for help. And He is mighty to save – both souls and marriages. This is what the Book of Mormon calls faith unto repentance (Alma 34:14-17).

 When we trust God enough to turn our lives over to Him, He does miracles.” (Goddard, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage page 67)

A humble, repentant heart is the path to strengthen our marriage and build faith in the Atonement. I have felt this power in my own life and my only regret is not humbling myself earlier. It takes courage to listen to another’s opinion, and forgive quickly. If we are to build an eternal marriage here on earth the only way is to submit our will, and follow the Savior’s counsel.

“A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers.” (Goddard, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage page 76)

Using the Atonement of Christ in Your Marriage

"Because they received the Atonement of Christ, Adam and Eve were able to learn from their experience without being condemned by it."

- Bruce C. Hafen, Covenant Hearts

“For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.”(John 3:17) If therefore, God allows us to learn from our experience without condemning us for it, how much more should we be willing to let our companions learn from their experience without condemning them for it.” Bruce C. Hafen, Covenant Hearts, p. 65-74

By accepting and receiving the enabling power of the Atonement, we are able to learn from our experiences, mistakes and weaknesses. Our experience on earth is an opportunity for us all to become like our Heavenly Father without condemnation. The dictionary defines condemn:

1.  Express complete disapproval of, typically in public; censure.
2. Sentence (someone) to a particular punishment, especially death.

Learning this truth reminds me I am not perfect and neither is my husband. Therefore, in marriage, we need to allow for learning and growth without condemning our companion. We should follow the example of our first parents, Adam and Eve, and embracing the gift of the Atonement. Repentance and humility are necessary to access the enabling strength, and healing that come from using the Atonement in our lives.

Reflecting on the truths of Bruce C. Hafen, Covenant Hearts, I thought how much I need forgiveness, and patience from my companion, however, how quick am I to forgive or be patient? I feel a need to view my marriage and family as a safe, loving, learning environment where we can work together to become our best selves. I feel a greater appreciation for the Atonement, and understand how my Savior knows my personal struggles because he felt my pain. I can trust the Lord to guide me in strengthening my marriage. It is necessary for husband and wife to apply the same mercy, kindness and forgiveness in their marriage as the Savior offers each of us. I feel a stronger desire to work with my husband in creating a partnership rather than compete with each other or be focused on who is right.

This principle is closely linked to Gottman’s Principle Four, “Let Your Partner Influence You”. Last year I interviewed a couple I knew well. They’ve been married over fifty years. I asked some questions regarding marriage, and I remember one comment vividly. Sister “W” said she enjoyed learning from her husband. Frequently, they had different opinions, but she valued this difference. She says male and female offer different, and insightful perspectives we can learn from. After this comment, I made it a goal to listen to my husband’s opinion even when it contrasts with my own. This is another way we can let our partners influence us.

President Thomas S. Monson said: “To find real happiness, we must seek for it in a focus outside ourselves. No one has learned the meaning of living until he has surrendered his ego to the service of his fellow man. Service to others is akin to duty—the fulfillment of which brings true joy.”
“Celestial Marriage” 2008, Elder Russell M. Nelson

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/celestial-marriage?lang=eng

Building fondness and admiration in your marriage

Today I heard a colleague ask another colleague, “Do you drink?” and her reply was “Yes, marriage is hard.”
Now, to be fair, marriage is challenging, however,  what does the world think about marriage? Is it the difficulty people focus on? Marriage can be a beautiful union when a couple come together with common goals, and embrace each others faults, weaknesses for the greater goodness of their relationship.

A wise friend gave counsel on marriage when she said, look at your companion through an out of focus lens. This way we do not focus on a specific fault or weakness.

Many have difficulty in their marriage; however, couples can get caught up in the negative. Gottman’s “Antidote to Contempt” is definitely sure to assist with strengthening your marriage or repairing it. The antidote is simple; “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.” Fondness and admiration is imperative to maintain, and nourish your friendship with each other. (Gottman, pg. 65)

“If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree. So fondness and admiration prevent the couple from being trounced by the four horsemen.” (Gottman, pg. 65)


*The four horsemen being: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

How often do you reflect on the positive traits your companion offers or the fond times of the past?

During this exercise, I remembered a moment when my husband and I were first dating. This one memory reminds me, my husband is the kindest most thoughtful person.
I was on a training course for six weeks in Newton, Iowa. Newton was 1492 miles away from home, and needless to say I was homesick. The training was difficult. I was a single mom missing my children in the middle of a strange place. Grant and I had been dating for a year, and we just started talking about marriage. It was hard to leave my happy life. One day after a long day of training a box arrived. I opened the box, and inside was one large envelope for me to open for every day I was going to be away. Inside each envelope was a small surprise, like a pair of socks, and a kind note. This loving gesture was overwhelming. I knew he loved me, and I didn’t feel alone. It was one of the nicest things ever done for me. It’s been too long since I have reflected on this fond memory. Remembering this event, I feel loved, respected, and secure. I agree with Gottman, we should admire the goodness in each other with fondness, and respect.

We would be wise to remember the lesson taught in the Mormon message “Looking through Windows”

 

All the woman does is criticize her neighbor’s filthiness, and lack of making any effort to clean. One day the woman’s husband cleaned their window, and when the woman enters the room she is impressed, the neighbor finally cleaned up! It turns out the dirt was on the woman’s window all along.
 https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2012-01-004-looking-through-windows?lang=eng

If we look inward to our own weaknesses, repent, and humbly seek the Lord, He will show us ways we can improve, and assist us in seeing the good in our companion.
Changing our behaviors can be discouraging if we find ourselves reacting in the same negative way, but we can use our faith in Christ to become the companion He would have us be. Goddard says, “We ask God to show us how we can respond more as He would have us. We can mentally rehearse the new reaction. Most of us need to rehearse it many times to be ready to act in different ways.” (Goddard, 2007)

This is a message of hope. No matter what our challenge is we can ask for help, and we can use the Atonement to enable us to improve.
“Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good. Righteous love is the foundation of a successful marriage.” Elder Richard G. Scott, The Eternal Blessings of Marriage

 https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-eternal-blessings-of-marriage?lang=eng

Creating a Strong Marriage takes Work

“ If we are to have a strong marriage, we must put off the natural man and learn better ways.” (Goddard, Wallace H. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2007.)

I have often wondered how to build a strong marriage if you did not have an example to follow. Many of us experienced childhood without the ideal example of two parents working together in harmony, and building upon an eternal marriage

The Lord gives us patterns to follow to become a loving spouse and parent. Goddard, the author of Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, suggests some behaviors we learned as a child may influence our marriage. Some of these behaviors are:

·      Selfishness

·      Defensiveness

·      Faultfinding

·      Sarcasm

·      Intimidation

·      Arguing persuasively

·      Pride

No one would like to admit they behave in this manner, and not everyone learns these behaviors in the home. These behaviors are part of the “natural man”.

One of my favorite scriptures is Mosiah 3:19,

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”

I never thought to replace the word “man” with “spouse” or my own name for that matter. This scripture teaches us how to become the best husband or wife we can be, and it also reminds our companions are not perfect either. This is important to remember, so we may work together, and become new creatures in Christ. This will allow the Holy Ghost to influence our hearts, and through the Atonement we will be transformed to become like Christ.

“The Gospel of Jesus Christ-that great plan of happiness-provides the solutions for our humanness. Having suffered the bitter fruits of badness, it invites us to prize the good fruits of gospel-anchored relationships (See Moses 6:55).” (Goddard, Wallace H. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2007. Pg. 5)

I have experienced happiness in marriage, and it is the gospel of Jesus Christ that makes this possible. I have a wonderful husband. We work together as a team. He serves the Lord and in our home with a kind, patient spirit. We love each other and still everything that is good about our relationship would still not be enough to keep a healthy marriage without the gospel. I agree with Goddard when he says,

“I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person-to be born again-to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways.” (Goddard, Wallace H. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2007. Pg 5.)

All the things we are asked to do daily to put off the natural man such as; pray, read scriptures, serve, repent and keep the commandments assures us the companionship of the Holy Ghost. Each day we become better because we are using the Holy Ghost’s influence. This allows us to act and react in loving ways to our spouse and family.

“We will only succeed at marriage as we use eternal gospel principles to become more of what God has invited us to become. Marriage is God’s graduate school for advanced training in Christian character. Those truly succeeding at marriage are those who are applying the Gospel of Jesus Christ in their lives.” (Goddard, Wallace H. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2007. Pg 8.)

Marriage is ordained of God, and God did not expect us to succeed in marriage without help. He loves us, and knows of each of the challenges we face. Goddard says, “…understanding doctrine softens our hearts and leads to Christ-like behavior, which culminates in happy marriages.” (Goddard, Wallace H. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2007. Pg 8.)

I know praying, reading scriptures, repenting, serving and keeping the commandments humbles me, and my heart is open to the spirit. The formula for me to be a good wife is to keep my covenants, and follow what the prophets have asked us to do. Through Christ, I can become a better companion for my husband, and this is what I want. We must never give up, but persevere through the challenges.

Elder Whirthlin says, “perseverance means to continue in a given course until we have reached a goal or objective, regardless of obstacles, opposition, and other counterinfluences…the ultimate example of perseverance is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who has and will overcome every obstacle in doing the will of our Heavenly Father.” https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1987/10/never-give-up?lang=eng

Marriage is hard work, and as we persevere we will experience the blessings of marriage. Elder Scott says, “Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good. Righteous love is the foundation of a successful marriage.” https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-eternal-blessings-of-marriage?lang=eng

As we follow the counsel in Mosiah 3:19, we will enrich our marriage, and become more Christlike.