The Relationship Attachment Model

This week in my Preparation for Marriage class we read chapters 2 & 3 of our text, How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk, by John Van Epp.

One of the principles Van Epp teaches is, "One of the most common ways people are set up to get involved with a jerk is by accelerating the pace of a relationship.You run an extremely high risk of thinking that you know your partner deeply, when actually you only know that person in superficial ways."

Van Epp continues, "Few subjects are as abstract and as big as love and attachment. Relationship bonds include concepts such as trust, reliance, commitment, affection, emotion, love, needs, and intimacy...I believe they are all related and are the product of only five universal human dynamics working together. The five fundamental dynamics are the depth to which you know, trust, rely on, have a commitment to, and have sexual involvement with another person."

The Relationship Attachment Model

All of these fundamentals are needed in a relationship, however there needs to be a healthy balance.

First, you need to get to know your person of interest. Really get to know them. Ask questions, and observe how they react. I remember when Grant and I went on our first date. We talk and talked. This was both entertaining, and a great way for us to find out more about each other. The conversations need to be more than what is your favorite movie. Getting to know someone allows you to build trust, and relying on someone is an act of trust. Next is commitment, and your partner and you should be able to commit, rely, trust and know each other. Touch is something that is too often given too early in the relationship. This is one way the relationship can be unbalanced if the touch is higher than know or trust. What might a healthy relationship look like? I wondered that myself. Do they all rank high? No, Know should be the highest on the scale. You should never trust someone more than you know them and you shouldn't rely on someone more than you trust them. You get it...It should be a healthy step down with know at a high rank. Keep a balance among these 5 dynamics.

There is also a warning that I would like to share from Van Epp,

"There is one basic rule for guarding the safe zone: never go further in one bonding area than you have gone in the previous."

Relationships take work. They take work in building them and in maintaining them. The Lord can assist us in learning about ourselves, and learning about relationships. We all are vulnerable, and if we apply the teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ in our lives, we will have the spirit with us to make decisions, and nurture relationships.

We want to build a marriage that will last through-out eternity, and in order to do this we need to take steps to start the relationship right, and progress from there.

"Marriage provides an ideal setting for overcoming any tendency to be selfish or self-centered....Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good, and the foundation of a successful marriage." 

- Elder Richard B. Scott